27 06, 2015

Let Go of Caregiver Guilt

Give Yourself a Do-Over and Let Go of Caregiver Guilt

365 Messages of Hope, Humor & Heart for Caregivers – #2

Have you ever done or said something that you wish you could take back? Guess what? You’re human!

Caregivers get tired and frustrated. Sometimes the pressure and the monotony gets to us, and we say something that hurts others and makes us feel lousy about ourselves.

It would be great if we could hit a “rewind” button and change what happened, but since that isn’t possible, we can give ourselves a “do-over” and choose to do better next time.

Start with acknowledging what you did. Apologize. Make amends, and then let it go. Rather than spending energy berating yourself, or allowing others […]

1 04, 2015

Caring for a Loved One

What Matters Most When Caring for Loved One

End-of-life conversationIf you are caring for a loved one, whether it’s an aging parent, spouse, sibling or friend who needs help managing medical conditions, treatments and healthcare decisions, I highly recommend reading the book, “Being Mortal”, by Atul Gawande.

When I told a friend I was reading it, she asked, “That book is about dying, isn’t it?” I said, “No! It’s about making choices so you can stay in control of how and where you live out the final stages of your life.”

Dr. Gawande points out that the medical community tends to look at aging as a medical problem that needs to be fixed. He said, “…Our decision making in most medicine has failed so spectacularly […]

7 03, 2015

Conversations with Elderly Parents

Starting Uncomfortable Conversations with Elderly Parents

Boomer Boot Camp #3

Having difficult conversaions with aging parentsIn today’s blog about getting your “Ducks in a Row” I want to address how to start uncomfortable conversations with elderly parents. This will not be easy, but it could help prevent your family members from having emotional meltdowns in hospital corridors over issues like tube feeding and life support and nasty battles over the distribution of money and property when a parent dies.

If you think your parents are vulnerable now or may be at some point in the future, it will be a lot less stressful for you, for your siblings and anyone else who cares about your parents if you can find out […]

2 03, 2015

Caring for Elderly Parents

Getting Prepared to Care for Elderly Parents

Ducks in a Row – Part 1

caring for elderly parentsIt’s upsetting and scary when we realize that our elderly parents are slipping and that we are going to have to get involved in managing their care. It’s even more frightening to realize that at some point our children may have to step in and help take care of us.

No one likes to think about incapacity and death, but due to advances in science and medicine, we’re living longer than ever before. When we are enjoying good health and financial security, age seems irrelevant, and we can almost believe we will live forever. But the truth is we’re still mortal, and eventually most of us will need […]

16 02, 2015

Ask for Help

Relinquish Control Ask for Help

caregiver asking for helpFor those of us who have become adept at managing our families, homes and careers, it can be incredibly difficult when something shifts and we have to ask for help.

My friends Emma and John are two of the most independent, intelligent, capable people I have ever known. Emma runs a successful business, and she has been taking on more and more of the domestic load in recent years because of John’s advancing Parkinson’s Disease. On Saturday morning she stepped off of a curb and broke a three bones in her foot.

Emma called me yesterday morning in a panic. I stopped on my way to their home and bought some groceries. When I arrived, she was […]

7 02, 2015

Surrendering Control

A View from the Pit

caregiver frustated over lack of controlSurrendering control may be one of the hardest things any of us will ever do. I learned about this many years ago when I attended a women’s Christian retreat in the Rocky Mountains. The theme of the event, “A View from the Pit”, was inspired by the Bible story about Joseph, whose brothers chose to throw him in a deep pit with no hope of escape rather than murder him. You can imagine that Joseph felt confused, scared, and betrayed. His view looking up from the bottom of that pit must have been one of despair and hopelessness.

It was a perfect metaphor for my life at the time. I’d gone through a contentious […]

5 02, 2015

Are You Caring or Codependent?

How to Stay in Your Own Shoes

Stay in own shoes - stop being codependentHave you ever wondered if you are caring or codependent? The line for most caregivers can get blurry, but there is actually a very clear distinction between the two.

I first heard the term codependent when I was going through a nasty divorce in the early 1990’s. I went to see a counselor, and I rambled on and on about how each of my children and soon-to-be ex-husband were feeling. I wanted the counselor to tell me how I could make everything okay for all of them. She listened patiently for quite some time, and then she said, “You need get in your own shoes and stay in them!”

I didn’t […]

22 01, 2015

A Caregiver’s Prayer

Letters from Madelyn – Chapter 20
“Madelyn’s Last Letter as a Caregiver”

Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a CaregiverIn today’s blog, I share the last letter my mother wrote before Dad died, and her powerful caregiver’s prayer.

Despite Madelyn’s absolute commitment to keeping Dad at home, she finally had to put him in a nursing home after he fell and broke seven ribs and punctured a lung.

It’s still amazes me that although she appeared to be as fragile as a butterfly wing, she found the emotional, mental and spiritual strength to cope with the stress of caregiving. Her faith allowed her to turn her worries over to God, and her ability to control her thinking helped her stay positive, even when the outlook was extremely […]

17 01, 2015

Finding Your Authentic Self

Letters from Madelyn – Chapter 15
“Madelyn Gets Depressed”

caregiver depression

Finding your authentic self is a phrase that can seem trite, especially if you are caregiver. In today’s chapter of “Letters from Madelyn”, my mother experiences an episode of reactionary caregiver depression when she reads the book, “Simple Abundance”. The strategies the author offered for “finding your authentic self” seemed utterly absurd to Madelyn. After coming to the conclusion that the author is a young woman and knows absolutely nothing about being old or being a caregiver, Madelyn starts to recall what her life was like when she was in her 30’s and the Women’s Liberation Movement was just getting started.

Like most women who have lived and loved, raised a family and cared […]

15 01, 2015

Caregiver Transitions

Letters from Madelyn – Chapter 13
“Things That Get Wrecked”

Caregiver transitions - balancing mind and heart

Managing caregiver transitions is extraordinarily difficult. Few things are more heartbreaking than witnessing the daily decline of your husband.

How do you manage the pain that comes with the loss of his abilities? How do you stay connected when his thinking processes become so impaired that he can’t be trusted to do the simplest tasks? How do you maintain your patience when it takes him forever to shuffle from one room to another? How can you enjoy a meal together when he struggles to get food onto his fork and then into his mouth?

I believe there is very little in life that can hurt us as much as […]

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