caregiver online support

When I spoke at a conference in Georgia a few years ago, one of the attendees told me that she had almost given up on communicating with her father who was in the final stage of Alzheimer’s.

She went to see him every day, and she’d done everything she could think of to connect with him. She had talked, she’d read books and played his favorite music. Nothing she did created even a flicker of interest or recognition. Feeling defeated one day, she sat down next to his bed.

As she grieved the fact that her father was lost to her, she took his hand in hers and started stroking it gently. As she thought about the man he’d been before […]

My friend Charles Schoenfeld, who spent most of his career working as a UPS delivery truck driver, was in his mid-fifties when he started volunteering at the memory care community where his mother lived. When he realized he loved working with people who have Alzheimer’s, he retired from UPS and became a CNA.

A few years ago he wrote the book, “A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to the Dementia Ward”. This is one of my favorite paragraphs:

“I often heard apologies from the families of those living with Alzheimer’s. People tried desperately to excuse the behavior of a loved one whose mind had been set adrift. I hope this book reaches you. I hope to convey a message There are people who understand. Your loved one, regardless of his […]

As Alzheimer’s Disease progresses, people lose their peripheral vision. The impact of being able to see only what is directly in front of them shrinks their world and makes the activities that are happening around them even more confusing and frightening.

If you want to see what this is like, try cupping your hands around your eyes like a set of binoculars. Now imagine how startling it would be if someone you hadn’t heard or seen suddenly put a hand on your shoulder.

There isn’t anything you can do to stop the progression of the disease, but you can reduce the stress for your care receiver by always approaching them from the front. Make sure they see you coming. When you […]

When you enter a room, you bring your energy with you. People with dementia are sensitive to other people’s moods. If you are feeling happy, positive and cheerful, they will respond to that. If you feeling rushed, cranky or resentful, they will also react to that.

One of the easiest ways to change a mood is with music. Music memories are stored in a different part of the brain than language. People who haven’t spoken in a long time will often sing along when they hear a familiar song.

Go online and figure out what songs were popular when your care receiver was in his/her teens, twenties and thirties. If they sang in a church choir, search for timeless and familiar […]

It helps to remember that Alzheimer’s impacts a person’s ability to process language. In order to reduce frustration for them (and for you), avoid giving complicated directions. Speak slowly and use sentences that have seven or fewer words.

Communicating in this manner takes more time. It takes a lot of patience. But if you can use simple language and pause in between short statements, it will help them understand the message you’re trying to convey. It will lessen their anxiety, and you’ll probably have more success in getting them to cooperate.

Just imagine how you’d feel if someone you didn’t know barged into your house and started talking rapidly in a language you didn’t understand. I don’t know about you, but […]

Over the course of the next several days I’m going to be sharing some strategies that can help improve communication and cooperation while caring for someone who has Alzheimer’s or other dementia-related diseases.

Today I’m starting with the Three DON’TS of Dementia:

1. Don’t argue. You will not win. Arguing will just make them more agitated and upset.

2. Don’t try to talk them out of it. Rationalizing and reasoning will not work. Whatever they are experiencing in the current moment is as real to them as your reality is to you. Trying to convince them otherwise is futile, and it will leave both of you upset and frustrated.

3. Don’t pressure them to remember. They can’t. Alzheimer’s is a thief that […]

My friend Dorothy Tucker worked as a nurse in nursing homes for 30 years. She especially loved working with people who had Alzheimer’s and other dementia-related diseases. She said the trick to keeping them peaceful and happy was to join them wherever they were in their own reality.

Every day when she left to go to work she believed with her entire being that she was a nurse who worked in a nursing home and helped care for people with Alzheimer’s and other dementia-related diseases. However, during the course of the day the residents could see her as 15 to 20 different people. Sometimes she was a mother, a sister or an auntie. Sometimes she was a friend from school. Other […]

Tears sprang to my eyes yesterday when I saw Ann Chamberlain peeking through the door into our church’s sanctuary. For decades Ann, an unpaid volunteer, kept everything and everyone in order at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church.

Yesterday she looked fragile and confused. It’s clear that Alzheimer’s has punctuated her mind with holes and spaces that she can no longer connect.

As I looked at her yesterday, I remembered how she used to walk quietly and quickly in her immaculately tailored outfits. A point of her finger or the nod of her head would silently direct acolytes, priests and parishioners. She always knew what needed to be done and exactly how to do it. She brought comfort when she prayed with us […]

I had a lot of fun last week when I got to speak at two caregiver events sponsored by The Kensington, a beautiful new assisted living/memory care facility in Sierra Madre, California.
Although I’d only been on a speaking hiatus for three months while caring for my husband through his back surgery, I felt like I’d been away for a really long time.

I had great fun meeting new people, visiting with family and professional caregivers and sharing my favorite stories, including the one about the “Avis Affair”.

Our family didn’t know about stroke-related dementia when my dad asked my mother to arrange a sex date for him with the girl he’d taken to his high school senior prom in 1938. Dad’s obsession with Avis went on for months. None […]

I’m sitting in the Portland airport waiting for my flight to California today. Tomorrow I’ll be speaking at an event for family and professional caregivers sponsored by The Kensington, a gorgeous new assisted living/memory care facility.

As I look at all of the people in the airport and think about the individuals who will be attending the event tomorrow, I am struck by the fact that as much as we may all have in common as living, breathing human beings, each person is on his/her own unique path.

If you follow my blog, there’s a pretty good chance you’re a caregiver. You probably know where your path is taking you today. Your destination tomorrow, next week, and next year may not […]